One of my main reasons I started blogging was because I felt so much inside. I had a variety of feelings that had built up inside and new ones accumulating on top of those. At that time, going to friends or family members just seemed pointless. They had no idea what my heart was feeling. There was no way they could possibly understand whatever initial shame, disappointment, grief, and LOVE I felt or was feeling.
This blog became my outlet.
Then my next mission then became to show everyone how “normal” our lives were… then recently I realized that maybe our life wasn’t so normal after all. But it was OUR normal. And I was more than satisfied and content with that. My life… our lives are genuinely and uniquely different.
And as Ethan nears two years old, I have grown a lot. And I have had many epiphanies along the way.
Now, I am not so easily offended by many things I once was when Ethan was under a year old. I’ve learned that not everyone means to offend you. I’ve learned that not everyone can understand, and not everyone is willing to nor do they care to understand your circumstances. You learn to roll with the punches. You learn when to speak up and when to let things go. Your best friend sometimes is no longer your best friend. And those friends you lost communication with over the years, appear in your life again to offer and show you their support.
Old friendships are rekindled and new friendships are made. You meet other people you would have otherwise never met. They become family. Your future is being rewritten.
For the first year after Ethan was born, I would cry whenever it was our turn to talk about our son and our experience. Not necessarily because we were sad, but the immense feeling of love was so new to us. Now I can easily hold a conversation and not one tear is shed. It’s still an immense feeling of love but you learn to have control over your feelings, whether they are sad or happy ones. You are stronger now. Your Heart still leads you, but Logic remains right besides your Heart.
Most importantly you know you are not alone.
Those gloomy dark days don’t exist. Maybe there will be days when there will be dark clouds over you, but never to the extent of those first days or months.
The cold hard fact of Down syndrome aren't so scary anymore, or at least you learn to make the best out of it. It TRULY isnt the end of the world.
I can breathe…with ease. And if you are new to this journey, I promise you too will be able to calmly and collectively breathe one day. Whether it be tomorrow, next month or the next 12 months…
Erika
