Bittersweet it was. I don’t think I felt anything on that day last year. Numb where my feelings. And I remember feeling a lot of fear as they prepped me for my c-section. Several nurses asked me if I was ok. But it was the unknown that was so terrifying for me.
I remember as the on call pediatrician walked into the recovery room, as we awaited our son to be brought to us. I remember her asking me if I have any complications during my pregnancy. Did I have an amnio. They suspect Down syndrome, she said with a look of pity on her face and tone of voice that would have made you think there was death involved.
I nodded my head, with so much confidence and no tears. Yes, my prenatal screening came back positive and we did have a marker for Ds, I told her.
But at that very moment I didn’t really feel anything.
I hate that I felt nothing. I hate that I was very lost and confused on such an exciting day.
But this year, I do celebrate my son! This year, I felt nothing but immense happiness and yes, some pain as well. It was a short year. It flew. But everyday with Ethan was very well spent. Every day with Ethan, we have played, we have laughed, we have made beautiful memories. I can look back at almost every picture and can almost remember that day as if it was just yesterday. Every picture, I can so vividly remember him giving me his cheesy smile to photograph. Every picture I can relive in my head and in my heart.
I am not ready to let go of my baby boy. This little man is so fierce and ready to show the world all the great thing he is capable of! So ready to grow up. He doesn’t let me carry him or cuddle with him. He fights my kisses and hugs when all I want to do is hug and kiss him! At night, I try to force him to sleep in our bed, and he will just not have it.
My big boy wants his independence and freedom. I am nowhere ready to give him any freedom.
We had an amazing party with friends and family. Ethan behaved beautifully, no crankiness or fussiness. He was the perfect birthday boy. Crawling amongst our guest, walking in his walker, weaving in and out between people.
I regret not taking many pictures, but my hands where extremely full. The decorations where amazing, everyone compliment the decorations! It definitely was worth staying up past midnight almost every night for two weeks straight! Plus I even ended up losing 5lbs with all the stress, lack of sleep and eating! So not too bad!
And many thanks goes to my great friend Anabel who helped us out by lending us so much stuff, tables, tent, ice chest/coolers, and she helped me out with the cute goodie bags! The best part is that she offered her help and their equipment and I didn’t once have to ask her for anything! Big MUAH to her! And great big thanks to my mother in law that helped with the food as well! I only expected her to bring the tostadas, but she brought all the condiments and chicken as well! She is amazing!
Thank you all, for sharing this day with us and celebrating a beautiful life. A life with so much purpose!
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| Ethan with his Buddy Zachery |
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