Many times I sit at work and I think about my son. His sweet face along with his silly moments runs through my head frequently. Sometimes it is more of a curse. He is so full of attitude and life that he leaves a impression in my heart on a daily basis.
Many times those happy thoughts take me back to the day he was born….
On Aug 21 2009… I was so nervous and scared as the dr’s prepped me for my 3rd c-section. I shouldn’t have been as nervous, but I was. I was more than nervous, I was terrified that in a few hrs the dr’s would tell me the one thing I never wanted to hear…. That my son indeed did have Down syndrome (after suspicions of Ds). I prayed, God, only you know and if this is what you want for me and my family, to have a child that is different then so be it, but I am scared and give me strength just in case he does have Ds. As the nurses held me and prompted me on how to sit for the epidural, I shivered out of control… They asked me if I was scared of the procedure and they assured me that everything would be ok… but they didn’t know my fears. Soon the dr pulled my baby boy out, and I anxiously searched his body from afar as I laid helplessly on the OR table and watched as they cleaned him off. I tried to search the doctors faces for concerns, I asked my husband, “is he ok?” but I couldn’t see his response with the surgical mask over his mouth. In the recovery room he assured me that our son was beautiful and ok.
Yet a few hrs later it was confirmed by the hospital pediatrician that my son showed signs of Ds. Daddy was in denial, but I knew it was true. But one thing I never knew that day was how much I would end up loving him and how grateful I am to God for the son he gifted me with. My only regret now is being so fearful then. The pain and fear of that day has yet to leave my body. I revisit those days frequently wishing I could redo those few hrs before he arrived. I was terrified of having a son that would be different… a was terrified of having a boy like Ethan, even though I never knew how amazing this kid really would be. I guess it has left a shameful feeling in me that I cannot rid myself of.
Fast forward to today, I could never imagine Ethan being anything else but Ethan.
Russells birth and the feelings I had that day are so vivid in my mind still...Its like the emotions I felt are so strong I will never ever be able to forget them. I wish I could relive those first few days over again...To be able to feel peace and happiness about Russells birth instead of fear and sadness....But I cant change what was or how I felt.
ReplyDeleteNow, just like what you said about Ethan... I couldn't imagine Russell being any different than who he is...He is my perfect boy and I love him to pieces!!