Confessions of my heart

All of my life…I lived life thinking I was doomed for hell.

I was living in hell for the most part anyways.

Nobody loved me, I thought many times.  

I cried many days, and my tears full of grief and pleas of help went unheard.

Normal… I just wanted a normal life. I wish I had different stories to tell, different memories to fill my heart.

Instead my heart stored many sad tales, many tales that I will take to the grave with me.

I became a mother for the first time, a beautiful little girl with long fingers. Her birth filled me with hope but pain from the past still lived strongly in me.

Three years later I became a mother to another beautiful girl, she filled me with more smiles yet my heart remained heavy.

For the third time, my womb nurtured another child, this time a boy. He filled me with fear.

Down syndrome.

I didn’t know the why’s or how’s… all I knew was that he was given to me. Of course, me. Apparently God was out to get me. 

What was I suppose to do?… I pondered the first few nights…. A few times I wondered if maybe he wouldn’t make it to the next day… and maybe I would be spared this journey… I secretly talked to God…I assured him that if his little heart wasn’t strong enough to be here, that I would understand.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for those initial thoughts. How can a mother ever hope for such…. But please Lord, erase that I ever had those thoughts. Don’t ever let me live on this earth without him. Please.

Today, all that pain my heart had to bear, a small child has taken all of that away. A small child, with dark brown slanted eyes, with beautiful feathery eyelashes just like his daddy’s. A smile that takes away every ache and pain. A laughter that radiates through my core.

Hope. I have hope.

Through this child, I have weaved the beauty of life back on top and the darkness, almost nonexistent, weaved out of my heart.

God was never out to get me.

He knew what He was doing.

I am honored to have this child.

-erika