Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas Misfortunes and hopefully happy endings

Christmas has come and gone –thankfully.

I hope all of you had a wonderful, amazing very Merry Christmas! 

 Ethan was NOT a Santa fan at all....
I stayed away from blogging for the past several weeks. I was totally not digging the whole holiday season and I spent most of my time crying and whining (for my Facebook friends, you know how true that is!), far from being cheerful or merry.

The rundown of this unjolly season (and so I can let it all out and out of my system and prepare myself for a better year):
The motor in my truck died.
Have you ever replaced a motor?
It’s a chit load of money to have fixed. 
In the meantime, while I debated on which child to sell, I relied on a good friend to pick me up and take me to work and back home. I felt like such a burden on her that thankfully I only bothered her a week. She was too kind though and reassured me that it was no trouble.

Then another good friend offered me her spare car since she had just purchased a new car. It wasn’t the prettiest car I’ve driven, nor was it the ugliest either! Hey my first car was a Lincoln Mark “something” that had airbags in the front and wouldn’t always inflate unless I jumped on the hood, otherwise the car would be lopsided. For real.

But the car was taking me from point A to be point B and I was happy to be able to get around…until, THAT day I dropped Ethan off at school, I made my way to the car thinking to myself, “oh how I missed dropping Ethan off at school last week and oh boy how I missed all those beautiful faces at his school…” With a big smile I got in the car, REVERSED… and STALLED right in the middle of the parking lot. Right in front of the school. First –HOW embarrassing… Second- Really?? In the middle of the parking lot!

Some nice guy (or  more like some dude eager to get to work) came and pushed the car out of the way. Once safely out of the way, and with another good friend by my side, the tears started to flow. The husband came and tried to start the car back up but he couldn’t and it had to be towed to my friend’s mechanic. I felt horrible that my friend was now stuck with a tow charge, but she wouldn’t accept that I pay for it. I felt pretty shitty that she was also going to have to pay whatever repairs had to be done. Somehow though, things worked out for her –thankfully.

Since things had come to worse, I swallowed whatever was left of my pride (or more like I had no other option) I asked to borrow the company car from my job. Of course, not without getting hell from certain people…

And I cried some more. Seriously, how are people so heartless? I stayed up that night crying and praying…. Praying and crying.

For those couple of weeks, I was a mess. I felt horrible for my kids whose Christmas was about to be jeopardize. How on earth was I supposed to get my kids gifts when I had to come up with thousands of dollars to get my motor fixed? And why did my kids have to be ones to suffer through it.

(but there were still some good times... like watching my Gabby at her piano recital and dance performance.)


I thought about my childhood and the crappy Christmas’s I had growing up. Some years without gifts and many years having to face my friends after Christmas break, when everyone is so excited to be back at school to brag about what Santa brought them. “What did you get for Christmas?” they would ask. Ugh, nothing I would think.. instead I would come up with things that never even touched my hands.

It hurt so much to think that my past could so easily be my children’s reality. And I cried a lot.

And I know what some of you are thinking, “Well Christmas isn’t about gifts and Santa…”
Sure you are right,… and don’t think for a second that my kids don’t know the reality of what CHRISTmas is, but what parent doesn’t get joy to see their child’s face on Christmas morning.

Somehow though, we managed to get the kids some pretty awesome stuff. Somehow. 

And just as I was started to be able to breathe, last week right before Christmas, I woke up to the windshield of the company car shot at by BB’s.

Of course.

Because the universe hates me.

So I spend Christmas Eve having the stupid thing replaced. As if money wasn’t tight enough already thanks to a new motor. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and cry and sleep. Instead I slapped a smile on my face and spent the rest of the day at my inlaws. 
(kids and their grandparents) 

Lactose free milk for Santa, because apparently he has tummy issues, per my girls.

Oh boy! Santa was here! 

People say that it’s the devil trying to bring me down because I am good person, or God testing me… blah blah blah…blabity blabity blah!

Through all of the crap I’ve had to endure (and that means ALL OF MY LIFE), I’ve always remained strong and my faith has always remained. Dear God, if you are reading this, I will always be full of faith and hope, I will not deter from You, so can you please stop with the tests if it is You testing me….? Please. Thanks!

So here we are the week right before the New Year and I am more than ready for a new start. There were other things that happened along the way as well, other happenings that are really aren’t for the telling. You’ll just have to trust me that December was the worst month ever, and that 2011 was the worst year ever.

I eagerly want to put this year behind me. I’ll take the good memories with me and hopefully bury the worse of it deep deep in the ground somewhere, somewhere where it won’t ever resurface.

If anything good has come out of this, that would be being able to see how many people love and care for us. We received many prayers , words of encouragement and help in all sorts of forms. I am very thankful for all of my friends and family and without them this would have been even more painful.  I was given shoulders to cry on and hands to hold. Thank you all. 

Thank you.

and I realize that there are others that have it much harder than we do/have had... and I am very thankful for what we do have. Sometimes it is hard to keep your head up, especially when it feels like you are a magnet for bad luck. We will make it through though. Somehow some way. 

Happy New Years guys! May 2012 be a better year for all of us! 


Friday, December 2, 2011

Confessions of my heart

All of my life…I lived life thinking I was doomed for hell.

I was living in hell for the most part anyways.

Nobody loved me, I thought many times.  

I cried many days, and my tears full of grief and pleas of help went unheard.

Normal… I just wanted a normal life. I wish I had different stories to tell, different memories to fill my heart.

Instead my heart stored many sad tales, many tales that I will take to the grave with me.

I became a mother for the first time, a beautiful little girl with long fingers. Her birth filled me with hope but pain from the past still lived strongly in me.

Three years later I became a mother to another beautiful girl, she filled me with more smiles yet my heart remained heavy.

For the third time, my womb nurtured another child, this time a boy. He filled me with fear.

Down syndrome.

I didn’t know the why’s or how’s… all I knew was that he was given to me. Of course, me. Apparently God was out to get me. 

What was I suppose to do?… I pondered the first few nights…. A few times I wondered if maybe he wouldn’t make it to the next day… and maybe I would be spared this journey… I secretly talked to God…I assured him that if his little heart wasn’t strong enough to be here, that I would understand.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for those initial thoughts. How can a mother ever hope for such…. But please Lord, erase that I ever had those thoughts. Don’t ever let me live on this earth without him. Please.

Today, all that pain my heart had to bear, a small child has taken all of that away. A small child, with dark brown slanted eyes, with beautiful feathery eyelashes just like his daddy’s. A smile that takes away every ache and pain. A laughter that radiates through my core.

Hope. I have hope.

Through this child, I have weaved the beauty of life back on top and the darkness, almost nonexistent, weaved out of my heart.

God was never out to get me.

He knew what He was doing.

I am honored to have this child.